Stop 'Should-ing' on Yourself in 3 Steps
Updated: 6 days ago
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The holidays are here people – and while I wish I was out drinking egg nog, relaxing fireside, and singing fa-la-la with those around me (not well I might add), I'm instead facing end of year...dread.
On top of work...
I should buy gifts for my family so they arrive on time.
I should decorate the house.
I should reply to all of my emails.
I should go to the gym.
I should read more.
The list goes on and on.
Do you notice a pattern? I'm really good at 'should-ing all over myself'.
All of these 'shoulds' make me feel terrible.
It’s another thing on the to-do list that's already so long that I can't bring myself to look at it.
So what do I do? What any neurodivergent adult might...avoid.
But that only makes things worse.
The 'shoulds' become another thing I didn’t do but should have. Another missed opportunity. Another failure. More guilt. More shame.
Sometimes, I just want to hide.
And, at the same time, I know there must be a solution. There must be a way to stop 'should-ing' all over myself, right?
So, I’m making a shift – it’s time to stop 'should-ing' on myself. It’s time to let go of the guilt and shame. It’s time to stop adding “shoulds” to my to do list.
Today, I will share how you can stop 'should-ing' all over yourself and live a life with more positive self-talk.
Let’s dive in. 🤿
The Problem with 'Shoulds'
The word 'should' reinforces guilt and shame. It makes us feel not good enough and is part of what I call the executive function shame spiral.
If you, like me, 'should all over yourself', know that it's natural. Our brains create automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), meaning we naturally focus more on the negative. It’s probably an evolutionary thing—back in the day, it helped our ancestors be alert to danger.
When we can’t follow through on our 'shoulds', it triggers self-defeating thoughts.
"I’m not good enough.”
“Why can’t I just do this?”
"Why is this so much easier for everyone else?"
These thoughts drain our mental energy, making it even harder to take action.
Sometimes 'shoulds' aren't realistic. For example, I tell myself, I should practice Spanish more often. But, I work a lot and don't have the mental energy most evenings.
That's fair, right?
But, the shame spiral is a vicious trap and difficult to escape. The only way to get out of it is to reframe our self-talk.
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How to Stop 'Should-ing' on Yourself
I'm using these three steps to escape the executive function shame spiral.
1. Note and Acknowledge
Begin to pay attention to when you say or think 'should'. This is a mindful activity called noting.
The key is to approach this from a place of curiosity, not judgment. We are working to improve metacognition by becoming aware of when we 'should on ourselves'.
When you catch yourself 'should-ing', reflect on two questions:
Why do I feel I should do this?
Is this something I really want to do, or is it driven by external pressure?
If the 'should' doesn't align with your values or is driven by external pressure, skip to step three.
2. Reframe the 'Shoulds'
Now that we are aware of our 'shoulds', it’s time to reframe our mindset. There are two strategies to try:
Option 1: Replace 'should' with “will” to make your intentions clearer and more actionable:
Instead of: "I should wake up earlier."
Try: “I will go to bed before 10:30 PM and wake up between 6:30 and 7:00 AM.”
Option 2: Be realistic.
Instead of: "I should start my side hustle."
Try: "I have a lot going on right now and starting a side hustle isn't a priority. Soon, it will be."
If the 'should' doesn’t feel like something you will do in the future, that’s a sign it might not be as important as you think. This brings us to step three.
3. Delete or Delegate
If a 'should' doesn’t align with your priorities or values, remove it from your mental to-do list or delegate it.
Example: Skip that social gathering you 'should' go to this weekend.
Example: Ask a coworker to body double while you reply to emails for 30 minutes.
Now, It’s Your Turn (Summary)
It's time to stop 'should-ing' all over ourselves. The word 'should' creates guilt and shame, throwing us deep into the executive function shame spiral.
It makes it more difficult to be productive, manage our emotions, and be the person we want to become.
Here’s how you can reframe your self-talk and stop 'should-ing all over yourself':
Identify one 'should' that’s weighing on you this week.
Ask yourself, is this something I will do?
If not, delete or delegate it.
Practice self-compassion. It’s okay not to get everything done every single day.
I hope this helps you have a week full of more self-love. ✌️
P.S.
Procrastination can feel like a heavy weight, holding you back from the life you want to lead.
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It’s the most common challenge we help our clients overcome.
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About the Author
Eric Kaufmann is a Professional Educational Therapist and Certified Executive Function Coach. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an online adult executive function coaching company that guides adults in overcoming disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks so they can unlock their potential. He is also the founder of Elevate Learning Solutions, an Educational Therapy practice located in San Clemente, CA, that supports neurodivergent students in becoming independent and confident.