The Skill Nobody Taught You: A 3-Step Process To Learn From Our Failures (2025)
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Hi Friends,
Did you know Roger Federer, one of the greatest tennis players in history, won just 54% of the points he played?
That’s an F in school.
Yet, his emotional regulation made him a master of failure. Federer said:
“When you lose every second point on average, you learn not to dwell on every shot”.
Federer mastered the skill of failing.
What about you?
Do you replay your mistakes on a loop, making things worse? Does the fear of failure hold you back from:
Asking for a raise
Starting a business
Or learning a new hobby?
Knowing how to fail is the most underrated life skill. While I’m no Federer, I’ve worked hard to improve this skill. Today, I want to teach you how to get better at failing.
Let’s dive in.
Why Failure Matters
Failure is uncomfortable, unavoidable, and one of the most important skills you can master.
We’ve all experienced failure…
A bad review at work
Not hitting a quarterly sales quota
Being late to pick up your kid after school
But moments of failure open the door to opportunities like…
Starting a side hustle
Moving to your dream city
Discovering a new passion
Unfortunately, no one teaches us how to fail. Most schools don’t support students in developing emotional regulation or metacognitive strategies. In fact, we are taught not to fail in school. It’s seen as the worst possible outcome.
As a result, some of us fear failure. We shy away from opportunities. We don’t take the risks that could improve our lives. We stay stagnant.
Others never experienced failure in their youth. They got good grades, made lasting friendships, and graduated from college. When they inevitably fail in adulthood, it crushes them.
Is Failure Really a Skill?
Yes. We can learn how to manage the emotions caused by failure and use failure as a teacher. Those lessons are fuel for growth.
When we know how to fail, every mishap turns into an opportunity.
The skill of failure requires fine-tuned emotional regulation and metacognition. This is one reason why many neurodivergent struggle with failure. Their executive function skills are typically weaker, thus making it more difficult to learn from mistakes or missed opportunities.
That used to be me.
What Mistakes Do People Make When They Fail?
Giving Up Too Soon
Many people quit just before a breakthrough. J.K. Rowling was rejected by 12 publishers before a small press finally published Harry Potter. If she had given up, the billion-dollar franchise wouldn’t exist.
Not Learning from Mistakes
Failing without reflection leads to repeated failures. Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work,” before successfully inventing the lightbulb.
Refusing to Adapt
Sticking rigidly to a failing plan instead of pivoting can lead to long-term failure. Netflix initially offered DVD rentals but pivoted to streaming when they saw the shift in consumer behavior. Now they dominate the entertainment industry.
What About Roger?
Roger Federer’s early career was inconsistent; he struggled with emotional outbursts and erratic gameplay.
Instead of letting those setbacks define him, Federer worked with his team to analyze performance data. They identified patterns—his errors under pressure and inefficient shot selection. With this information, he adapted his training and strategy.
The result?
Federer became one of the greatest tennis players of all time, winning 20 Grand Slam titles by relying on data to refine his game. Failure isn’t final if you use it as feedback to improve.
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A 3-Step Process To Learn From Our Failures
1. Feel the Failure
Let the failure sink in. Feel the discomfort—anger, frustration, or loss. Set a time limit to process your emotions. Then, let them go.
Moving your body, like taking a walk, can help release the tension.
2. Be an Archaeologist
When you’re ready, examine the failure from a place of curiosity, not judgment. Ask yourself:
What happened?
How is this different from what I expected?
What could I do differently next time?
Like an archaeologist, dust off the remains of the past to uncover lessons for the future.
3. Take Action
Focus on action. Even a small step helps turn failure into growth. Every obstacle presents an opportunity. If you’re unsure what to do, try this:
Imagine yourself a year from now, celebrating a great accomplishment.
What steps did you take to get there?
What habits, skills, or supports made it possible?
Summary
Failure is unavoidable—but it doesn’t have to define you. When we see failure as a skill, we can learn how to use it to become the person we want to be. Whenever I experience a failure, instead of getting wrapped up in my mistakes, I follow three steps:
Set a time limit and allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that arise
Reflect on what went wrong from a curious and compassionate mindset
Decide how you will proceed and take action immediately
I hope this helps motivate you to take risks in life knowing, that no matter the outcome, there is a chance for growth.
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About the Author
Eric Kaufmann is a Professional Educational Therapist and Certified Executive Function Coach. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an online adult executive function coaching company that guides adults in overcoming disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks so they can unlock their potential. He is also the founder of Elevate Learning Solutions, an Educational Therapy practice located in San Clemente, CA, that supports neurodivergent students in becoming independent and confident.