5 Strategies to Improve Your Eye Contact

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Are you wondering how much eye contact to make during a conversation?

Have you ever paid so much attention to the amount of eye contact you are making, you barely listen to the person you're talking to?

In high school, I struggled with eye contact. I was self-conscious, shy, and didn't know much eye contact to make.

And, after working with many neurodivergent adults, I’ve seen how complex it can be.

I hear questions like…

Why is eye contact so difficult? 

How much eye contact should I make? 

Do I really need to maintain eye contact in conversation? 

A client shared how overwhelmed they felt trying to maintain eye contact. It wasn’t about looking someone in the eye—it was the intense self-criticism and anxiety that made it nearly impossible. 

Am I making too much eye contact?

Do they think I am being weird?

Why am I so awkward?!

If you’re neurodivergent, there’s a good chance you relate.

I believe eye contact isn’t for everyone. You are in control of how you communicate. If you’re comfortable with how you interact, there’s no need to change that.

However, if you desire to improve your ability to make eye contact, you can take gradual steps. Today, I will teach you how. 

Let’s dive in. 

Why is Maintaining Eye Contact Difficult? 

For some neurodivergent adults, eye contact can feel nearly impossible. It takes many executive function skills working together like sustained attention, working memory, and emotional regulation. 

Here’s what makes eye contact especially hard:

Sensory Sensitivity

Eye contact can feel intense, and uncomfortable, and trigger sensory overload. The eyes convey a lot of information—emotions, expectations, and social cues—and processing all of that at once can feel like too much. 

Cognitive Overload

You’re not just listening, but also interpreting non-verbal cues, formulating responses, and trying to stay present—all while keeping your focus on the other person’s face.

Anxiety

Many neurodivergent people are aware they don’t conform to expected social behaviors, like making eye contact. This awareness can cause anxiety. 

Self-Esteem

Eye contact can feel like an added pressure, heightening the sense of being judged, which may make it even harder to maintain. People report overthinking and becoming hyper-aware of their thoughts while increasing self-consciousness. 

Is Eye Contact Important?

The answer to this depends on you. If you’re comfortable with how you communicate, there’s no need to change it. You don’t have to work on this skill unless you want to.

In Western, neurotypical culture, eye contact means someone is listening, attentive, and engaged in conversation. It's a form of nonverbal communication.

But, it’s not a universal rule. 

For some, eye contact can improve focus, help read facial expressions, and strengthen relationships—but only if it doesn’t cause anxiety or overstimulation.

Remember, just because someone isn’t making eye contact doesn’t mean they’re not listening. Some people look away to process or recall details. In fact, some listen better with less eye contact.

How Much Eye Contact is Enough?

There's no such thing as perfect eye contact. If you're looking for a rule of thumb, aim for 50% of the time during a conversation. But always adjust based on context and your comfort level.

In a professional setting, more eye contact might be expected, while in casual settings, you may feel more comfortable using less.

If the person you’re speaking with seems uncomfortable, it’s okay to break eye contact and re-engage when it feels right.

5 Strategies to Improve Your Eye Contact

If you’ve decided to improve your eye contact skills, you can make progress by taking small steps. 

Here are 5 strategies to improve your eye contact. I recommend choosing one and testing it out for a week.

1. Find a practice partner: Start by practicing with someone you trust, like a close friend or partner. Try matching eye contact–when they look at you, look at them; when they look away, look away.

2. Set clear expectations: Let others know you’re working on this skill, and they can help you feel more comfortable.

3. Take small steps: Maintain eye contact for 3 to 5 seconds, then break away. After a short pause, try again. 

4. Focus near their eyes: Look at the bridge of their nose, forehead, or one eye. This can make eye contact feel less intense. 

   
   

5. Use a mirror: practice making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. If you're unsure what to say, start with, "Today I will be someone who..."

   
   

Other Ways to Show Engagement

If eye contact feels too stressful or not something you want to pursue, there are other ways to show you’re listening:

• Nodding or making gestures like leaning in can show engagement.

• Verbal cues like “mmhmm” or “I see” can show you’re following along.

• Facing the speaker or occasionally looking at their forehead can also help you stay connected without making direct eye contact.

Eye Contact is a Choice

At the end of the day, eye contact is optional. It’s one way to communicate, but not the only way. 

If it’s a skill you’re working on, take it slow and be kind to yourself. But if eye contact doesn’t feel necessary or it triggers anxiety, know that you’re not obligated to change the way you communicate. 

You set your own boundaries, and no one else can decide what works best for you.

Summary

If you have decided eye contact is an executive function skill you want to develop, here are small steps you can take:

1. Verbally commit to working on the skills so you "own it"

2. Practice holding eye contact at 3-5 second intervals with a friend or in the mirror

3. Remember to aim for progress, not perfection. There's no such thing as perfect eye contact.

P.S.

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About the Author

Eric Kaufmann, M.Ed is a Professional Educational Therapist and Certified Executive Function Coach. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an online adult executive function coaching company designed to guide adults in overcoming disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks so they can unlock their potential. Eric is also the founder of Elevate Learning Solutions, an Educational Therapy practice located in San Clemente, CA, that guides students with neurological differences toward becoming independent and confident students and self-leaders.